Living up to others' expectations

For the past few years, one of the several things that has bothered me most is - "how to live upto the expectations of those expect from me".

Why I am writing about it is because I feel that "we spend half of our productive years trying to fulfill the expectations of others (parents, siblings, spouse, children, etc.) and the other half in thinking how to fulfill those expectations". Everyone has his/her own set of expectations from the person who they are close to. This, I believe, binds a person into virtual boundries. Beyond those boundries, lie the person's own expectations, which he is afraid to fulfill before he fulfills those of others.

As we grow up, the set of expectations grows. As a toddler, my parents expected me to learn how to walk. As a young, school-going kid, my parents expected me to learn good manners and score well in school. As a college-going youth, my parents expected me to study hard and find a good job. Then, they expected me to marry a good girl of their choice and produce children. When I get married, I will also have to carry the burden of my wife's expectations - a home of "our own", a car, 1-2 children, good clothes, good food, lots of jewellery. At job, the expectations keep growing - perform well, make others perform well, do something extra-ordinary. Meanwhile - parents add their own expectations - take care of us in our old age. The kids come and bring along more expectations. The society expects me to behave like a gentleman. The government expects me to honestly pay taxes.

After being burdened with so many expectations, I think - "do I have any expectations of my own?" All this while I forgot what I wanted from my own life!!!!!!!!! I am living, working, smiling, eating so that I can be alive and well to fulfill others' expectaions.

Sometimes, I am back to real world, thinking that those "others" are my own people, people who love me, so it is natural for them to expect the world from me. But, then that is what holds me back. The ever growing set of expectations of my loved ones makes sure that I don't have dreams of my own, or even if I have dreams, I don't have time or energy to fulfill them. Right from childhood, I have "programmed" to think from others point of view, if I do something then I will please someone (whether I am happy in it or not, nobody bothers to find out).

I have a feeling that people who carry the least burden of expectations are either highly successful or vagabonds. Whether they are successful or not, such people are definitely happy. Happy, because, they get to do what they want to do, not what others want them to do. Most of successful artists become rebels at a very young age and even leave their homes (read "expectations"). Without the burden of others' expectations, they feel free to have their own dreams and chase them (and most of them achieve what they want).

Enough for today. Got to get back to work (my boss has lots of expectations from me and how big my salary grows depends on how well I live up to his expectations).

More on risk-taking ability and human psychology

My last post was about the effect of family and grooming on the risk taking ability of a person. Few days back, I was talking to a lady who (along with her husband) are young and very successful. As I was talking to her, she literally echoed my thoughts about risk taking ability and how it is shaped by the circumstances that a child is put through as he/she is growing. I also re-inforced my view that these circumstances are a very strong mental barrier, and unless they vanish, there are little chances of success.

BTW, various TV channels are showing programs related to child psychology. It is amazing to see that even those little ones can suffer from things like depression, anxiety. I like the programs being shown on Discovery channel (http://discoveryhealth.co.uk/) and Hallmark Channel. I think BBC is producing these programs and they are doing a wonderful job. If my parents had this kind of information 30 years back, I would have been a much better person in my life :-) (BTW, I have a very positive image in the minds of people who know me at work or outside).

One interesting thing that these programs often tell is that parents tend to induce their negative childhood memories in their children.

Another interesting thing about our psychology is "False memory". People often make up false memory on something that they always wanted to do but couldn't do. The channel showed an interesting experiment where they put faces of different people inside a hot-air balloon and asked them if they remember taking a balloon ride. Most of people created a false memory and narrated incidences related to balloon ride (where as they never actually went on a hot air balloon during their childhood).

Risk taking ability depends on family and grooming

Over the last few days, the question that has been on the top of my mind is - "Why am I so risk averse?"

The question came up in my mind after I realised that I am hesitant to take even the smallest risk, even when I know that by taking the risk I am not putting much at stake. Be it a small decision like buying something for as little as Rs.500 or making a tax-saving investment decision, I weigh the pros and cons so much that I miss out on the opportunity.

After thinking over it for quite a few days, I have found the answer to my question, but a solution to my problem still seems far away. I guess, my risk-averse behaviour has been shaped by the uncertainities that I have seen my family facing as I have grown up. There has always been virtual boundries around every decision of my family. Inspite of high debts, we always enjoyed a reasonably good life-style. However, there was always a hint to guilt whenever we tried to stretch and it held us back.

I tried to find out as to what is so special about people who boldly take risks (sometimes even without calculating its potential impact) and manage to succeed also. I realise that either they have suffered too much early in their lives or they have lived a life without any worries. People who have suffered too much early in their lives become immune to new troubles ("A wet man is never afraid of rains" - as someone rightly said). On the other hand, there are people, who have always lived without any major worries (because of their family environment) and they feel a virtual support behind every risky move they make.

Unfortunately, I don't fall into either of the 2 categories mentioned above. I (and my family) have our share of financial problems - enough to bring about discomforting thoughts but never actually brought any discomfort. This is probably the worst thing because it always remains a mental barrier and not a physical/tangible barrier.

I just hope that some day I can break my mental barriers. I know that is the only thing holding me back.